Memorial Day Grief

I read an article today about grief…it was a tangential subject.  Our Vice President spoke to a group of people who lost loved ones in the war, and he said he could understand how someone could be driven to take their own life by such great grief.  I read that intro section a couple of times…I couldn’t believe I was reading that in a national publication.  Someone admitting that trauma can lead to suicidal thoughts?  Well, now we’re getting somewhere.

I was astounded to find myself connecting with this man (don’t spread it around), when I never have been able to before.  He also experienced great loss, not in a war scenario, but in his personal life.  And he suffered the loss, not just of the loved ones, but also of the entire life they lived together, and it affected him profoundly.  I know of whence he speaks.

People don’t like to talk about the idea of someone wanting to “end”.  But it happens.  If I could change one thing about MANKIND (the giant concept), it would be that compassion become interstitial to all human beings.  I mean real compassion.  Not just the oh-crap-I’m-about-to-be-inconvenienced kind of so called compassion; I mean the real deal. Because when there is great loss there is also GREAT suffering, and either people choose to ignore that fact, they really don’t get it, or they just don’t want to be bothered.  I hope it wasn’t always this way.

I like to think that at some time in the past, people really got it that sometimes people are really hurt and really need love and compassion to help them heal.  I like to think that at some point in the past, people showed up to lift up the wounded, whether or not they actually looked broken on the outside.  I like to think that at some point people put down their robes and gavels, stopped judging and preaching and actually lent a hand.  I like to think it USED to be that way, because it certainly isn’t today.  People say, “Get over it”, ‘Move on with your life”, “You’ve been through this before”…without really thinking about what the real situation is, how the person’s heart is working or not working…how wounded they really are.  Even when people seem okay, if you really look at them…you can SEE their pain.  I know; I’ve been testing that theory and guess what?  I’m right 100% of the time…so far.  I’ve had a lesson in compassion and I’m trying VERY hard to get it right. Somebody has to.

Compassion…I think…means that it doesn’t matter how I think the other person SHOULD feel; it means that the other person feels what they feel and they need love, to know they are not alone, encouragement that they will make it through the valleyTODAY because my hand is there, reaching out, for as long as it takes.  I think that’s what it means.  Because if there is a hand reaching out to me, giving me a lift up, even for just the next step; then I don’t think about giving up, checking out, cashing in. 

You get the impression that compassion isn’t necessarily easy.  I think that’s exactly right.  I think compassion can be tiring, expensive, annoying, inconvenient.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right too. But my little inconvenience is statistically insignficant if the other person is about to die or THINKS they are about to die…or wishes to.  So I’m calling mankind, manUNkind for now because that’s the reality, too many times.

The bottom line in the Veep’s message was this: I get it. It’s not just about the person you lost.  It is also about the trauma of losing the whole life built around that person; and that kind of trauma is so bad that it can make you want to cease to exist.  I think that we should remember that, not just for this Memorial Day, but also for the WHOLE rest of the year.  Every time we decide someone has had time to ‘get over’ something, first, we should feel bad that we think we’re worthy of that judgment, and then we should ask ourselves when was the last time I asked them how they are feeling…and did I really even care about their answer.  Final step: DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

ACTION: That’s the key. 

If we have any love in us, we must know that compassion is not just important’ it should be the quintessence of humankind.  Compassion is Godlike, it is crucial.  It means more than any material item we collect…or it should. I suppose it depends upon what or whom you worship. Regardless:  If we don’t have compassion, we are poor indeed.

…makes me scream….

I just read a blog…well part of it.  The writer said she got a request from a WRITER who said, “I’ve wrote a book.”  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  I’ve WROTE a book????  Was I the only one present when grammar was taught in school?  I was, wasn’t I?

Good grammar is still important!   If you send me an email saying, “I’ve wrote a book”…well, that’s as far as I’M going to read.

A cancer battle…

My dear friend has just had cancer related surgery, and I visited her yesterday.  In the aftermath of such an event, she remained loving and gracious, reaching out to others and showing great kindness to her caretakers.  She amazes me sometimes.  I’m proud to know her and glad she’s feeling better.

Negotiating

Negotiating.  The word means vastly different things, depending on one’s approach to life. I find that many people view negotiating as ‘a fight’, a win-lose opportunty, a chance to play bully.  But the word negotiate implies that both…or even all…parties participate; it’s not a dictatorship.  If it was a dictatorship, it wouldn’t be called negotiating.   If all parties participate, and it’s not a dictatorship, then a mutual approach to a mutual problem exists and the best approach is consensus.  Win-win.  And yes, that is possible.  I’ve seen too many cases where a push to beat another down, results in the pushing party ‘losing’.  So the upshot is this: If you push for win-lose, prepare to lose.  Because you just might.

I-Cat

ImageImage

This is Boo.  He’s twelve years old and the photo to the right is of him playing a cat game on the IPad.  If he touches the swimming fish just right, it sinks from view and comes back a different color and moving a bit faster. It took him about two minutes to figure out that looking UNDER the IPad is a far more efficient way of catching these elusive fish.  And of course, he’s hooked on gaming. Now, he taps my laptop screen hoping to excite the pond to action, even though, alas, there is no fish pond on the Dell.  It’s really fun to have a gaming cat; the problem is that he’s trying to muscle in on my work time at home, so we ‘argue’ over who gets to use the computer.  I win but it’s only because I’m the biggest.

Some cats are very bright, as is Boo.  I understand that they typically have a vocabulary in the triple digits, and that’s the ones they let us KNOW they know.  I can even get Boo to ‘stay’.  He lays down, and he stays, but I can see it in his face: He’s not happy about it.

Try the Friskies game if you have an IPad and a smart cat.  It’s pretty fun to watch.  And…it’s the only way you’re going to believe that cats can love video games.

Leave Apple Alone

Now that Steve Jobs has left us, it seems some of the financial talking heads are trying their level best to INSINUATE Apple into trouble.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard them “wonder” “how much longer” the company can be great.  I’ve heard them “wonder” whether they can still be creative, market leaders.  I’ve heard them wonder whether restricted supplies might turn people away from them.  ARE YOU KIDDING?  Restricted supply has been a giant marketing strategy of Apple, hasn’t it?  Has it made you dislike them?  I didn’t think so.  I’ve heard “What if” enough times to call it a trend. These boneheads would actually like to see Apple stumble.  Don’t think so?  Test the hypothesis then.  Listen for yourself, and make no mistake about the ‘power’ of the media.  Tune in to the stock analysis networks and just listen to the Apple banter.  Sometimes the guests who are being interviewed get that “are you on crack?” look on their face as they try to answer the host’s question without showing their incredulousness.  It’s kind of funny, except that this kind of yammering on about a POSSIBLE DOWNFALL can lead to one…and they know it.

For example…lately, there was a report on housing prices based on “ten selected cities”, most of which were in the very hardest hit areas of the United States.  Others were in areas where you either have to love boiling or freezing to live there.  I admit it: I yelled at my TV.  If I wanted to show housing prices dropping, those are the cities I would have chosen.  Remember you can spin statistics to say whatever you WANT them to say, primarily by carefully choosing your population.  Had they included the Triangle in the ‘selected cities’, the numbers would have been better.  What do you think would have happened if they had chosen other “up” areas in the data population, maybe only a few just for kicks and giggles?  Well…less gloom and doom! But good news doesn’t sell, does it?

So watch what these people do to Apple.  They are planting seeds.  Let’s hope Apple investors are too smart for the ridiculous game that most people bite, hook, line sinker.  And by the way, remember that the economy IS showing signs of health…all but the housing market.  Don’t you think the cur

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

So…I went to see the movie, not because I wanted to re-live 9-11; far from it.  I went to see it because if it has Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock in it, it must be good. The movie was incredibly entertaining, even though it brought back sad, sad memories.  It didn’t focus so much on the act of horror on that day, even though, without a doubt, you are reminded; rather, it focused on a young boy’s journey through grief and his attempts to rationalize what happened to his beloved father, played by Tom Hanks.  You’ll fall in love with the boy, played by Thomas Horn.  He’s intelligent, funny even when he’s not trying to be, and absolutely endearing.  And what can you say about Sandra Bullock?  She’s always great, and she is this time, too, but you won’t get that right away.  If you can handle being reminded of that terrible day, you’ll be rewarded with a young kid’s life-changing performance.  He’ll never be an unknown again.  This kid’s going places.  I loved the movie..

I’ve talked to a lot of people who don’t want to see it because because they can’t bear the thought of being reminded of that horrible day. To them, I say, go.  This story isn’t written to remind you of the news reels.  Far from it.  It’s full of psychological alleyways and partially opened doors you must go through.  What is revealed warms your heart.  Go, because you’ll see some incredible acting, you’ll get a different perspective…which is always good…and there will be some plot twists you’ll truly enjoy.  I’m going to see it again, and I don’t usually do that.  This one’s worth a second…and maybe even a third look.

Real Estate no-news

Guess what?  Real estate tastes are changing.  Well…no kidding.  People are always like a school of fish, aren’t we?  We follow the leader or change direction en mass as though a signal from outer space was just received.  This time, though, there’s an indication that some of the new trend behavior makes sense. 

Like this: McMansions are going bye bye in favor of smaller homes, ultimately for the energy savings of not having to heat and cool large spaces nobody uses.  Duh.  It’s getting less and less cool to have giant spaces in the age of ‘green’.  But the look of these smaller homes is still open and spacious, accomplished by fewer dividing walls, more careful decor to accent areas versus rooms, and lots more glass.

And here’s another one…stairs are losing favor.  That makes sense, doesn’t it?  Baby Boomers are aging.  Who are we kidding; we’ve AGED.  One level is a good thing…again.  So all of the ranch style home owners who couldn’t get a showing are going to continue to be happy about the new trends.  But you’re going to have to update and maybe even knock downs some walls to open up the spaces…or cut the sale price to compensate.

Granite is still in.  That’s a good thing, because almost everybody either wants it or has it.  I shudder to think what’s going to happen when granite becomes passe.  Open spaces are still in and growing in favor.  Modern styles are back, sort of an early sixties throwback; lots of floor to ceiling glass and fewer walls to break up spaces, lower roof pitches, single level.  Ornate is packing up and leaving; lean and clean lines are in.  If it’s true that neo-Mediterranian is coming on strong, we should see stucco make a comeback.  Imagine that.

The kitchen still sells the house; no surprise there.  If you want to sell and your kitchen is OLD, you’re going to have to either update or compensate by lowering your selling price…a lot.  Almost every seller has to spend update money these days.  The best place to spend?  Kitchen.  Next place to update: bathrooms.  Now, how many times have you heard that?

And have you noticed that it’s the SELLERS who are the fixer-uppers now?  It used to be buyers who did the fixing.  Not anymore, at least not right now.  Oh that’s going to change back when the market becomes a seller market again, but for now…sellers have to ante up the renovation money.  Buyers want a kitchen they can walk into and start using. Period: End of discussion…for now.

Here’s some more no-news: neutral paint colors!  If your home looks like the Sherwin-Williams color wheel, you’re going to have to paint if you want to sell.

All of this is the  market speaking.  The schools of fish are still swimming.  If you want to sell your home and choose to ignore what the population at large are buying, then the simple, absolute conclusion is that you don’t want to sell your home.  You just don’t.  Your realtor, even the realllly good one, can’t sell what the market has zero interest in buying.  You might want to read that last sentence again.

If you’re buying, it’s a good idea to see what’s heating up in the market so that you buy smart.  You don’t want to buy a Victorian with small rooms if glass houses with two interior walls becomes the norm. And by the way, almost nobody lives in a house long enough to outlast the trends anymore.  I know, you think you will be the one…but the data say you won’t. 

And here’s one last thing: live like you want to while you own your home.  Paint all of the rooms electric blue if that floats your boat.  But when you’re ready to sell, remember this: you must appeal to the market or you will not sell.  People follow the trends.  Oh, there will be one person who would LOVE your blue house, but if that fish isn’t swimming with the school of other fish, swimming along JUST LIKE all of the other fish…it’s probably been eaten by a bigger fish already.  Paint.

You’ve got to be kidding me….

I watched the Casey Anthony trial, followed the story of the death of her child for three years.  The child was missing for THIRTY ONE days before Casey called the police…a two year old..missing for thirty one days and not reported missing by the mother.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And she wouldn’t have called then if the grandmother hadn’t had a meltdown.

The child’s bones were found, inside three trash bags, a few blocks from Casey’s house…and she got away with it.  While the baby was missing, the mother was partying, getting tatooed, having a blast, and lying about EVERYTHING, including the whereabouts of her baby.

Shades of OJ Simpson.  What a joke.

Some of the scientific evidence was a joke too…or at least the way it was presented.  In fact, I think I watched too much Law and Order.  I shouted out objections.  OBJECTION!  Leading the witness!  There as a LOT of that going on.  

I cannot believe that loser got away with killing her child, or at least having participated in the death of the baby.  But then again, nothing surprises me anymore…