My followers know I am always thinking about something deeper than what is on the surface.  I live in the depths where the interesting information lives.  I’ve also become a fan of the true crime genre, which opens a whole new world to contemplate, most obviously, the truth about a large part of humanity that I’ve long suspected existed among us anyway.

I’ve been going to church almost all of my life.  I believe I started at the age of 9, being dropped off for Vacation Bible School, aka, free childcare.  Aside from being the first opportunity for me to overcome my excruciating shyness at that time, VBS gave me a chance to meet Jesus and the others.  Hmmm, this Jesus guy seems like someone I’ve sung about before.  Oh yeah, Jesus Loves Me, This I Know…  Well we can talk about religion another time.  I will just say religion is not the same as God; religion, ALL religions, are man-created.  And if you are inclined to blow a gasket because of that sentence, think about it first.  But Jesus: This guy, stuck in my mind.  He kept coming back from the depths of my psyche and tapping on my door.  But back to the topic.

I used to believe people were basically good.  Basically trustworthy.  Ha.  I guess I didn’t actually read the Bible closely then.  The Bible clearly states that humans are sinful creatures.  We are ‘wretched sinners’, in fact.  What?!?  Welllll I found that a bit harsh…until I looked around me.  Most people are NOT basically good.  People, as it turns out, are MOSTLY not ‘basically good’.  A LOT of us will get away with exactly as much as we can get away with.  We the people will lie, steal, kill, misrepresent, leach off of others, brutalize others, attach as parasites to a host, BE a host (me), overestimate others, UNDERestimate others, have sympathy, not know the meaning of the word sympathy, even empathy, tell little white lies, big old gooey ones, and on and on.  It’s complicated, in other words.  Learning about this stuff is a long, actually never-ending, process.

First, I thought about left versus right brain dominance. Oh that explains it, right?  No.  It doesn’t.  It’s one part of a 1000 piece puzzle. But you don’t KNOW that until later on in the learning process.  Still, if you are left brain dominant, as I am, you go for data, facts, truth, you analyze.  And I’m going to venture to say most of US (the left brainers) can keep emotions to a minimum. We’re not robots, we do have emotions but we don’t have to broadcast them!  As such, VERY often, people think we are ‘fine’ because we don’t hop around in a circle and wail when things go sideways.  No, we go deep and analyze.  We line up the data, figure out what the hell happened and how do I keep this from happening again?  The surface dwellers NEVER understand us because they are hopping around waving flags and wailing, sometimes having feelings that obliterate facts, and floating around in the glitter and rose petals at the surface of the pond (It’s a good life).  Well, not always, but watch the news, will you?  This wailing and gnashing of teeth is getting more and more prevalent…which scares the crap out of me because you cannot reason with someone who is trying to set you on fire.  But back to the point: Depending on how many puzzle pieces we’ve acquired, we just might not care whether anybody gets us.  Why?  Because we know caring about that is a colossal waste of time.  Oh here we go..

I’ve had some occasions to be screamed at lately, like, in a ROW. hahaha.  What the hell is going on here. Am I diabolical?  Or…do I give the impression that I can take verbal abuse?  Do I LOOK like a punching bag?  Where is my mirror and can it go with me into the depths?  Okay I CAN take verbal abuse because I understand it and it usually doesn’t get inside me.  Depending on who delivers it, it can set a drill bit into my soul, but I always thwart that effort now.  I didn’t always.  It’s about putting the puzzle together.  For me, I know I can drive people crazy if they are not like me, and SURPRISE most people are not.  But here’s the thing: When you verbally abuse someone, you say a thousand more things to that person, aside from the words you shouted. And those messages are the ones that break the bonds.

This I know:  I know what I feel; I know what I say and do not say, know what I believe and do not believe.  My pet peeve is when people try to tell me how I feel, what I think, what I believe or do not believe or try to talk down to me as though I am unworthy of respect.  I am not better than anyone, but nobody else is better than me either.  My pet peeve is when someone says to me what I said when I know what I said.  If you get it wrong, you’re gonna get an argument. I know what I say.  Never tell me my opinions are ‘wrong’.  An opinion is an opinion, a belief is a belief, both of which I am entitled to, and by the way…a left brain dominant person doesn’t not reach a conclusion or opinion frivolously. We analyze the crap out of it.  And many of us are able to say, “I don’t know.”  It’s not hard.  Often it is the truth.

Well, I am going to surprise you here.  Ready?  I am not perfect!  I do stupid stuff too, just like everyone else.  And (puzzle piece) I am a first-born.  Psychologists say that although I have a slightly older brother, he did not assume the role of first-born in the psychological scale.  I did.  I was the built in babysitter, the one in ‘charge’ of cleaning the house, making sure my younger siblings didn’t play in the street, making sure my older brother didn’t burn something down, doing laundry along the way…that stuff. First born.  

As such, being born into the unit I was born into, I had no guidance, nobody to copy.  So I found my way with my hands outstretched, feeling around in the nebulous and moving forward until I either hit a wall or fell off a cliff.  That’s ANOTHER thing.  Parents, give your first born children some guidance, will you?  Like hey, there’s a wall really close to you or WATCH OUT FOR THAT CLIFF!  I didn’t have that.  I had parents who were largely unconnected but they did carry a big hammer for punishment for the two firstborns.  I temper that by adding in that I didn’t shout and wail when I was hurt or confused so they may have thought I was just fine.

 But my M.O. was to move by trial and error, although now I am able to suss out the environment pretty well most of the time. Glad I’m learning all of this complicated crap, just in time to kick the bucket.  By the way, I will leave the mortal coil not having completed this puzzle.  Humans don’t have the capacity to finish it, Garden of Eden notwithstanding.  If you THINK you have all of the answers, wow, you are probably a narcissist.  Why?  Because the more you actually learn, the more you realize you don’t know.  Even Einstein said that.  Moving on.

Back to true crime:  If you delve into this genre, you will be introduced to psychopaths, narcissists, malignant psychopaths, malignant psychopaths with narcissistic tendencies, and all of the infinite combinations therein.  You will be introduced to people who do horrific things because mommy didn’t love me or mommy loved me too much.  Or you were allergic to formula when you were a baby or you were breast fed.  Or you never got to go to Disney (a blessing in my mind).  So now you look around with wide eyes thinking you are surrounded by weirdos. hahaha.  Just picture it.  And shock of shocks: You’re one too!  There are so many crimes that are committed by ‘the nice guy next door’ that it changes your perspective of humankind.  And it should.  Why?  Because we have crime shows that give you step by step instructions on how to commit the perfect murder! hahaha.  Never works though. Don’t do it.

I’m the kind of analyst that wants to know why.  Why should be the word on my tombstone; it defines me.  So when some people go off the rails, I realize they were abused as a child, or they are deeply wounded and therefore carry around a huge weight of anger JUST below the surface (hence the shouting), or they were NOT a firstborn and therefore think life is supposed to be easy, like a path cleared before you by the battered and bruised firstborns, or they were not breast fed, no Disney.  Like that.  So right out of the gate, I am TRYING to give abusers a pass, an excuse.  That’s stupid.  But listen, sometimes there’s an explanation that is true, and makes sense.  There.  Problem solved.

HOWEVER:  There are some wounded ones who will not set down the buckets of putrid sewage they carry around in their own psyche, always planted by someone else.  The first step is turning on the lights, picking up the mirror and ‘know thyself’, if you are capable.  Some are not.  And then you have to go to work throwing away the bad stuff forever, letting it go.  If it has come to define you?  Not an easy task but still possible.  Once you see that a person wants to cling to their ‘disorder’ for example, just move along.  You are probably not going to even be able to love them.  

Anyway, I’m wired to look beyond the event to try and figure it out.  The thing is I now try to weed out the tendencies I see coming my way so I don’t have to deal with them.  Mostly, I succeed.  But the bottom line is that every single human being on this planet is wired before they are born, and then their environment begins to trim, cut, pressure, reshape, destroy the person they were intended to be. So I try to love the person they were INTENDED to be, by God.  Not always. If they have a hatchet behind their back, not so much.  So it pays to know something about a person’s history.  But the WIRING…you can’t change that.  Now this goes back to why I don’t usually fight back or want to, nor try to mend fences, that kind of thing.  If, for example, you are dealing with a malignant narcissist, say. Here’s what you get (in part).  

First, they want you in their life so they can 1) get something from you; 2) use you as a step to get higher on the ladder, obviously higher than you; 3) beat somebody up and you can take it; 4) you always agree with their amazing intellect and insight (God help you if you don’t). That’s a partial list, but basically, to a personality type like that, you are a tool in their kit and by the way…once they have used you up, you’re toast. hahaha.  Just remember that when they throw you away with shouting and spittle, that will be a GOOD thing, because you cannot change them, you cannot reason with them, you are done, finito, garbage in the can to them.  You can either mope about it, or you can understand the system in which the event occurred and move on.  And these people, I firmly believe, are the reason so many womens’ bodies are found in shallow graves.  Their purpose was served.  Frightening.

Oh and this is important.  Watch out for RETALIATION, because that’s what malignant narcissists like.  They like to hurt you, they get pleasure from it, “even if you don’t know they did it”.  That quote came from a psychologist telling me about someone who liked hurting me and I was, well, clueless.  I didn’t have that puzzle piece then.  So if you cross a malignant narcissist, just watch for the flying tomahawks, beer bottles, you know, that kind of thing. In my case, the retaliation was financial, diabolical, and it nearly DID destroy me.  But I’m still here.  I’m like one of those punching bags that keeps popping back up. So far.

And there are SO many influence styles, personality types, DISORDERS, and there’s society who give you malignant messages on top of it.  You become invisible after the age of 50.  Once you become a senior, you are a ‘burden’ and no longer valued.  If you are not oh I can’t say that word here, but basically if you are not sexual, GOODBYE.  There is agism, there is racism, there is gender-ism, cast system prejudices.  The love of money IS the root of all evil, more and more as time goes on.  Everyone can be bought; everybody has a price.  Here’s a true one: Most people are not smart enough to vote or drive. hahaha. 

Then there’s intelligence.  Money trumps it.  Some of the dumbest people are in charge of the world because daddy had money.  That’s frightening. Bill Gates got money and suddenly he is telling the whole wide world allll about viruses.  Bill Gates should not be talking to anybody about viruses, or chemistry, or physics.  But you get the idea.  Money and intelligence are two more puzzle pieces. Don’t forget ‘disorders’.

I guess what I’m getting at here is this:  Life is complicated, but it is fascinating if you pay attention, take a deep breath and dive below the surface, away from the glitter and flower petals floating there, and see the rest of the universe.  I was given a bit of knowledge the other day:  I have a tendency to want to maintain toxic connections.  SHOCK.  Why?  Because of a childhood thing, related to a wait for it…narcissist.  Holy cow that was a GOOD puzzle piece.  And if you are someone who likes to retaliate when you get mad, go see a counselor.  Or run for office.  And don’t have kids.